I Could No Longer Hide My Brokenness from the One Person Who Saw Everything
I was having coffee with a friend last week and realized after the couple years I’d now known her, she’d never heard my testimony. She only gathered bits and pieces through conversation and mutual friends.
As I began telling her about being sexually assaulted in college, suffering from depression and turning to drug use, then finding myself in a physically (and mentally) abusive relationship, I was reminded of a little white book.
It was during my pregnancy with my daughter that I really became a Christian. Sure, I’d grown up going to church sometimes with my parents. I was even baptized around the age of 9 — but I had no clue what that really meant.
It wasn’t until I was completely broken that I finally understood.
I was sitting in the back row at church with my grandparents and felt it. God came after me.
Actually, he’d always been coming after me. But it was that day I actually let him in.
I don’t remember how many weeks later — it wasn’t many — the church we were attending handed out these little white books filled with empty pages, small enough to fit in a purse and sturdy enough that it wouldn’t rip or tear.
They were meant to coincide with scripture reading and be utilized as a way to take notes, ask questions and further your walk with Jesus.
That little white book helped save me.
I was still in the abusive relationship, at that time. When my ex would leave at night, I would get out my Bible and that little book. But my book became my diary to God. My communication line.
My prayers on paper, if you will.
I cried out to God each and every day in that book. I wrote down all the things I’d been hiding — the bruises, the abuse, the self-doubt, the sadness, the anger, and all my fears. I wrote down all the years of hurt and began to find hope.
I still have that book. I will never let it go.
Just like God never let me go. Even when I sinned against him, turned my back on him and denied him for so many years. He was always there, just waiting for me.
The Bible tells us time and time again that God will not forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:8, Hebrews 13:5, Psalm 94:14). He will be there in our time of need (Hebrews 4:16).
Did I still have an uphill climb and horrible things happen in my life? Absolutely. But I was no longer living without hope.
Every single day since I turned it all over to Christ, my life has been better, because I know He has a plan for me and for my brokenness (Jeremiah 29:11).
In order to have victory in our lives, we must remember that God is bigger than our problems. Take each day one step at a time, thoughtfully in prayer.
You can make that decision right now. Right where you are. Change your life by letting God be a part of it.
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