“In keeping with his campaign pledge…”

“I am a Republican, a black, dyed in the wool Republican, and I never intend to belong to any other party than the party of freedom and progress.”

“…very welcome news…”

“My view is it is so off base that we should make every effort to reform it or withdraw …”

“I think that anybody’s who’s not able to do their job should step aside and allow the process to continue …”

“It also makes sure they’re getting nutritious food.”

“Israel boosted its air defense in the North following a significant confrontation between the Jewish state, Syria and Iran that led to the loss of an F-16i fighter jet.”

The late-night host’s skit misses the point that neither the Christian baker in California nor the one in Colorado deny service to homosexuals who wished to patronize their stores.

“I’m shocked, really shocked, that no FISA judge put anybody in jail yet.”

“It was too astronomical for it to be just chance. It had to be God looking out for us.”